I am here to save us all time by determining which of our most-played videogames would be more efficiently completed if you had a gun

If there's one thing I know about the age of information, it's that none of us have time for anything anymore, nor the attention spans to see them through. If I'm not getting a constant jitterbug hit of dopamine every two seconds from my doomscrolling, am I really awake? Don't answer that. I don't want to think about the answer to that.

And if there's one thing I know about videogames, it's that man, they're getting long. If only there was a way to make these things shorter, somehow? Like, say, giving our protagonist a gun? And not just a period-accurate flintlock or something, I mean an actual handgun. Let's just say a.45 pistol. If you know more about guns than me you're welcome to imagine something sexier.

I asked a few of my colleagues for their longest-played eligible games—that is, videogames that have an ending, do not feature guns as a common, standard feature throughout their runtime, and could …