Clever database, but can it run Doom?

"Can it run Doom?" now applies to databases, as the author of DOOMQL has released a far more visually accurate port. There's a saying: "Be careful what you wish for." In 2025, we wrote a piece about a database boffin coming up with a version of Doom that was written in SQL. It was neat, but the visuals were nearer to 3D Monster Maze than to the 90s pixel blaster. We commented, "If persuading SQL to do the entire rendering pipeline is a 'bad idea,' we cannot wait for a terrible one." And so here we are. The author, Lukas Vogel, has been at it again and ported both Doom's game logic and renderer to SQL, running it in a database. Python handles timing, keyboard input, and bitmap display, but the rest comes from SQL queries and the CedarDB database. DOOMQL was an undeniably impressive thing. …