I accidentally severed my finger with a butter knife as I panicked in a messed-up game of Five Finger Fillet

Five Finger Fillet is, like many things, undoubtedly a creation fuelled by medieval bozos with too much time on their hands and booze in their bodies. Grab a knife and stab it between your fingers? For fun? Definitely the invention of an alcohol-addled mind. It is also something I am unbelievably rubbish at, as someone with mediocre hand-eye coordination and a tendency to get the shakies.

So it should come as no surprise that, given 20 minutes to stab between my digits 500 times, it took embarrassingly little time for me to slice my ring finger clean off with a butter knife. Not in real life, mind. I'm not that stupid. I'm talking about 500 Finger Fillet, a roguelite spin which shackles your (not real) wrist to a table while a pointy (or in my case, rather blunt) instrument attached to a rickety crane hovers over you, frantically twitching around while you slam a button and hope it doesn't come …